||[Jun. 12th, 2008|09:12 pm]
The kid now speaks as well. Want to talk about sudden developments! Two weeks ago he was crawling and saying not a word but woof. Now he's running, crouching, standing up without the aid of the wall, and instructing us he wants 'more' 'apple' and 'banana' and 'Abba' and 'Amma' (We're pretty sure that's me) and 'ball' and 'balloon' and 'fla' (he's developed an overwhelming and slightly scary obsession with flags) and several others I'm not thinking of just now. It's incredible!|
In other news, I've been spending an insane amount of time for the last, oh, /years/ feeling like a pretty rotten person because Iam not being good about keeping in touch. Everyone who reads this is someone I care about; everyone who reads this is also someone I have not been calling or emailing or spending time with. And lots of other folks are too. Please believe me that I think about each one of you frequently and fondly, and wish I was in better contact! Please also believe me that about twice a week I vow to spend more time actually following up on my good intentions to call people.
I just... always feel overwhelmed. And this started before the baby, I think. I always feel like I'm only /just/ keeping it together: Job, house, family, writing... and I can't ever seem to get ahead or, indeed, any less far behind. With all of it, I can't seem to get ahold of the psychic energy to act on any of my good intentions. Once I'm home from the office, supper is made and consumed, baby's in bed, dishes are washed, lunches are packed for tomorrow, the only thing I can bear to do is curl up and space out for the remaining, say, fourteen seconds until bed. There can be a week that goes by without my even working on my book, ashamed though I am to say it.
I guess on some level this time I /am/ looking for reassurance, of the 'We love you anyway, and please do get in touch!' variety. I'm also looking for advice. A person might be tempted to say, well, there's a lot on your plate, no wonder you're overwhelmed. But plenty of people have all of this and more and seem to handle it well! Why is it that some people seem able to handle work and homelife and still have energy for other things, whereas I feel as though I'm just hanging on and if I have to go out of the house in the evening more than once a week ,my entire world will collapse? Or if I don't have my Sunday devoted to laundry and baby-playing (and our requisite Sunday trip to the park!) I'm just not going to survive to the next week?
One of my big fears is that people whom I fall out of contact with will assume I fall out of contact deliberately, and those people who call or email or visit me will assume my friendship is lukewarm because they have to seek me out... I can completely imagine that's how a person might think of it, and likely how I would think of it if I had to be the one seeking out someone all the time. And I don't know how to explain, but it's truly not the case. I think about my friends constantly, wonder how they are, what they've been doing, what they'd think about x, y, or z... and wish I could speak with them. Why don't I? I don't know. I'm not too busy--as I keep telling myself, housecleaning and talking on the phone go together beautifully, as long as one doesn't drop the phone into the dishbasin! I'm just ... too tired, and I don't really know why.
Is it because I'm in the unhealthy environment of NY and just unhappy about being here? Will it be better when we leave? I've started mentioning to my husband a little more frequently how much I'm looking forward to leaving this city at the end of our as-yet-undetermined stay. We'll be out by the time the baby's ready for first grade. I just hope it'll be sooner. I don't think being here is doing me any good, whether or not it's related to my being a very poor correspondent.